Wednesday, 17 December 2014

Diary of a single mum...Christmas Shopping...xo

I must admit I have been super organised this Christmas with buying presents (yep 8 sleeps to go and it done!) and having them all wrapped (again yep 8 days to go and its done!) Ok so I'm tooting my own horn. But every other year I have left things until the last minute. Especially the wrapping. I have to have wrapping perfect and in theme.

Anyway this isn't the point to my post, although I felt like I needed to brag ;)

Now my son is 2 I have noticed a massive difference since last Christmas. Last year I went to the shops and put him in the pram and loaded it up with bags and all sorts of goodies. Managing to do it all without a hassle. That experience is long gone (insert sad face). Now I have to have that struggle to bend his body with sheer force to get him to sit in the pram. I have to put on a massive song and dance to get him to forget that I have strapped him into a control seat where he cant roam free. Along with this I have to swiftly move to ensure he doesn't fidget and get his arms out of the pram straps (which no matter how tight I make them he manages to get out of them! How?) So I have this painful system now. I can't let him walk with me as that is just an accident waiting to happen. So I get him in the pram and go go go!

I start browsing the shops. My son seems fine, calm, distracted by the colours and lights, along with people watching (a child after my own heart) then we get to the toy section in Target. This is where World War 3 is about to erupt. There is nothing I can do. He wants to touch everything. If he can reach it, he will get it. If he gets it you are buying it. You think prying a small toy matchbox car would be simple to get back...nope. There is $10 well spent. I then think 'well he is distracted', maybe this $10 has bought me another 30mins, maybe an hour.

Two minutes later that optimism has been squashed, destroyed by my son screaming for the Peppa Pig book he sees to his right. He wants it, his arm is out reaching for it, and his vocal chords are warming up...he wont back down. Nor will I. However I still have things to do, items to get. An experience I often enjoyed was turning into my worse nightmare in seconds. I move the pram away, put the book out of sight. But no. He is relentless he wants that book and he wont forget it. I distract him. I pull focus to the car clutched in his tight embrace. Nope he wants the book. Ok so how about a swap. Lets give him the book and take the car. Act of compromise. Sure 2 is the right age to teach him a child compromise. Parent fail...he got both. Both hands were now full and I got 15mins before he decided to started throwing things on the ground and wanting me to pick them up. I was done. Over it. I wish I could have blinked and we would be back home.

How has this nightmare happened? Will it ever get easier? Will he learn to listen to me? Can I teach him compromise? All questions I need answers to, I need conclusive evidence it will be ok, I emphasise 'conclusive'. I hope these are just a part of this "terrible twos" stage.

This now brings me to online shopping, my new shopping experience. I can do it when my son is asleep. I don't have to carry bags. I don't have to even open my wallet. Its all there with a click of a button (ok there are many dangers to this too but they aren't to do with my son!) My day of shopping is now online sitting on the couch surfing the iPad, and its worth it, I can even have a cup of coffee whilst I shop still. If my only other option is my Target experience then online shopping it shall be for the time being....xo

Diary of a Single Mum...Boys first night away...xo

This one is quite a personal post to me and something I felt I needed to write down to help deal with what I was, and am, feeling, and in hope that it might resonate with other single mums the day you have to say goodbye to your child as they go to dads for the night, or day or week.

Only a few weeks ago my son began to have his first overnight stay at his dad which is now a regular once a week thing. I was feeling so anxious about it, and nervous (they are practically the same thing however I believe I felt both) I know his Dad loves him and cares for him...but the responsibility aspect makes me nervous. So when my son comes home at night I know he is safe, and anything that may happen in the night I will be there. Maybe its a control thing. However its just make me feel at peace knowing my little man is asleep in the next room.

So a few weeks ago (when I began to write this post) I got food poisoning. It was not fun. I was exhausted and had no energy left. The first day I was to drop my son off with his father ,to not see him until 5 o'clock the next day, I was beyond tired and really hadn't hard time to process (which meanwhile the 3 weeks prior I have done nothing but feel sick about the whole thing) I then went to work and struggled to function, or even type a simple email. I actually left early that day and came home and slept. My little man being away from me was no longer at the forefront of my mind.

I went out that evening for a few hours (even thought I felt unwell), after having a 2 hour nap I decided I needed to be busy and not be in the house. I don't know why, I just felt like I wasn't going to cope (ridiculous hey?!) I went out and realised I was being an idiot. I wasn't well and I should probably make the most of not having my son there to care for to actually recover.

I came home that night and it felt weird. The cot was empty, I really missed him. I felt lost. When he has stayed with my mum on the odd occasion I know he is only a phone call away, however now I couldn't get to him. He felt like he is another world that Im not a part of, or allowed into. I felt sad. However on the other side I got to sleep in an extra 30mins the next morning and just had to get dressed, put on some make up and away to work I go. No drop off points, not waiting for him to be collected by his father. Just straight to work. Something I hadn't done for 2 years!

I was finally able to enjoy that freedom I have barely experienced in the past 2 years. How crazy is that? I haven't had the freedom to just go out and do what I want to do in 2 years. I forgot what is was like to come home from work and just sit on the couch, or go to the gym and being able to complete a full circuit class, or just going to a friend 'hey lets catch a movie' This was just as much a weird experience for me as my son being away overnight once a week.

Its only been 3 weeks since this routine started and its safe to say I'm adjusting well. All my friends and family have been telling me that I need this freedom, I need time to myself. I just didn't understand. I felt I could do it all. I would work with what I have, and what I need to take responsibility for, and I was ok to give up these 'freedoms'. But since that first uncomfortable week of adjustment. I actually enjoy having a night off. I know that he comes back the next day and I know I have one night a week I can be an adult. Clearly I can be an  adult more nights then that but there is so much more planning involved...a topic again for another day.

I know I probably sound silly, having anxiety with my son leaving to be away 1 night a week. I feel ridiculous even writing this. But its how I felt and if I am deemed a 'crazy obsessed mum' well so be it...

Signing off 'crazy obsessed mum' and damn proud of it...xo