Shave Balm...Face Primer??

As an avid reader of Daily Mail I was surprised to see amongst all the celebrity drama of the day an article that read the following...

'I've tried pretty much every high-end primer... this is definitely a winner': The $12 budget MEN'S shaving balm that beauty bloggers swear by to keep their make up perfect all day long

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3420009/Niveo-Men-s-shaving-balm-beauty-bloggers-swear-make-perfect-day-long.html#ixzz3z97DNCNt

So of course I was intrigued. Im obsessed with Primer. I want to be like the celebrities where the look flawless all the time due to their primer and contouring skills (meanwhile in real world they have stylists and makeup artists...but in my mind I pretend that I can look like a celebirty/supermodel if I try hard enough...ok maybe not but we all need goals!!). I have tried a few primers and my favourite at the moment is Stila One Step Corrector. I love this primer. Its like moisturiser  colour corrector and primer in one and it looks all scientific with its triple helix modelled creme. 

Now that I am on a budget and will struggle to afford my fancy primer (ok its only $52 you might say, but to me its expensive and with all makeup it adds up, and I wear primer ALL the time). So I thought I'd try this shaver balm. $12 what have I got to lose?! Dignity and self pride by buying mens shaving balm. I purchased it as if I was purchasing tampons or condoms, I had to slip it in amongst other "normal, everyday" items i was purchasing and wouldn't be judged for. Shampoo, lipstick, tinted moisturiser, paw paw cream and amongst that would be Nivea Men's Post Shaving Balm. Ok maybe Im over thinking it but I care what people think. I shouldn't, but I do. I mean this whole blog makes me feel vulnerable and uncomfortable as it is but I want to try it, so I need to cop people's judgement and my friends making fun of me, and some of them even correcting my spelling errors. 

Back on topic Nivea Shaving Balm. Apparently it contains a high level of glycerin which acts like a glue for your makeup. Most primers don't have this ingredient according to those bloggers who few bloggers who have claimed how great this Shaving Balm is. The 'Stila One Step Corrector' does, however what the levels are in it I'm not sure. What is Glycerin you ask? I wasn't quite sure either and I felt I should have a look into this. Glycerin  is a neutral, sweet-tasting colourless thick liquid which freezes to a gummy paste and has a high boiling point. Glycerin can be dissolved in to water or alcochol but not oil. In the shaver balm it is diluted into water to not severely dehydrate the skin as if it acted along with would significantly dry out your skin making it less of a balm/moisturiser and more like a glue.

So I have been using it the last 2 days. First thing I thought it felt oily so I would suggest you don't use much more then an amount the size of no bigger then a 5 cent piece...it spreads quite nicely. It also felt more like a night cream at first but its absorbs quite nicely and made my skin feel quite smooth, more then other moisterisers I have tried. I shouldn't really be a surprised as its designed to smooth and hydrate skin after a man has shaved his chin. The one thing I did find off-putting however was the smell. Not that it was a bad smell, it was nice actually but it made me smell like a man. So I started to wonder how long the smell would stay around for and was starting to envisage people looking at me weird when interacting with me.

I decided to stick to my plan. I followed by putting my foundation on and it felt like it glided on smoothly with the shaving balm...it felt comfortable. Comfortable is a weird way to describe putting on makeup but thats the best way I can describe it. I felt it helped to keep an even complexion. Now especially since its humid I was interested to see how long my make would keep. It didn't keep all day but its kept most of the day which is longer then my Stila primer if Im too be honest. Now would I give up my Stila primer... Not just yet! It does work for me and I love it. But whilst Im not working full time at the moment I'm not opposed to the idea of shaver balm as a cheaper option so I will continue to use this bottle I have purchased and potentially buy another once its finished...

I would suggest you try it if you are game...xo

Toilet training - Does 3 days work?...xo

So Im finally back...I have quit my full time job in order to have more time with my son and my family as well as do something that makes me happy so here it goes...

So when I started to think about what was important in my life and whether full time work, or if the retail business life was for me...one of those things that was on my mind as a full time working mum was how am I meant to train my child to use the toilet. I thought I could do it all...work 5 days a week and manage to make my child want to use the toilet by simply having him sit on it once at night before bath time (because he always wee'd in the bath..genius I thought?!). He did it a few times and I did the whole song and dance routine when he successfully wee'd in the toilet.. which he loved...but was he motivated to use the toilet as opposed to the bath..no. I asked his dad to assist on his days to ensure regularity and uniformity...that didn't happen. My child was using the toilet 6 nights a week and he wasn't always going. I even had the genius idea of reading to him so he wasn't trying too hard to go and it would come naturally. Reading 'Dinosaur Roar' 5 times over was getting to me. Bath time became a massive hassle and I dreaded it.

How was I to get him to use the toilet. I started having fears that he would go to school on his first day wearing a nappy and children around him would question what the smell was when he did number twos. So when i decided to leave my full time job and change career I felt my first priority was to have my son toilet trained..crazy when I write it down. But it was important and with no help from his father I was determined to do whatever it took.

Now apparently there is a 3 day potty training "program" that people swear by. This was the first I had heard of it. I think, maybe, a friend did it a year or so ago with her toddler but thats when my boy was a newborn so I wasn't paying attention. That was long from my mind. So I researched this 3 day potty training technique and they all say it only takes 3 days to never use Nappies again. 3 days? Thats a blimp in the radar of life I can do this. I have to do this.

http://www.projectpottytraining.com/potty-training-in-3-days/

So day 1. I put on the underwear. I asked him if he wanted to go to the toilet at least every half an hour and waited until he would either say yes or he would wet himself. He wet himself. Tears galore. He hated it "Mummy fix" he said. I put him on the toilet but it was too late. I felt he didn't get it. So we kept with the same thing. I was also continuously putting him on the toilet and waiting for him to go. He hated it. I hated it. I was ready to give up. I couldn't see how this was possibly going to work. My new theory would be that he would simply wet his pants for the rest of his life and say "Mummy fix".

Day 2. He had an accident in the morning as I didn't get to him in time. However from there I would ask continuously if he needed to go with same response "No I don't need toilet". I noticed though when he felt like he needed to go he had this guilty look on his face as he was playing with his cars he would stop and look up at me as if he was hiding something but couldn't hold in the secret...so I then asked do you need to go to the toilet "Yes" finally he could say yes to the question I felt like i had asked 100 times over.  It felt like I was watching his ass all day and couldn't relax. I felt housebound. I felt like I couldn't go anywhere as it wasn't possible and wasn't a part of my mission.

Day 3. This was to be the day he would be toilet trained. I woke up thinking...as if this will happen. How do you change in 2 nights! He has been wearing a nappy for 3 years..how would 3 days make him change that. I still felt trapped. I had nowhere to go.  I needed wine...I wanted to be on my own for a minute. BUT no! I had to do this. If it doesn't work then I have no idea what I will do but it hadn't reached 3 days so it just might happen. Now we were at the point where I couldn't put him on the toilet unless he needed otherwise I feel him might have developed ad adverse feeling towards the toilet. Do you remember the scene in "look whose talking?" where Mikey goes to the bathroom during the night and the toilet starts yelling at him?! I didn't want my child to see that face from the toilet. Ok thats a bit far fetched but it had been 2 days with 1 day to go and I desperately wanted him trained to say I had succeded. I could do this as a single parent. He told him after breakfast he needed to go to the toilet. I put him on his seat and he went. I was beyond proud. I did the song and dance because I actually wanted to. I did it! But was this going to last...

Ok so its been 2 weeks since I began my 3 days of potty training and safe to say I havent had an accident since...I mean my son hasn't just in case you read that wrong?! He tells me when he needs to go and still gives me a cute smile whilst he wees in the toilet. Dork. But I love him and am proud of him. But more importantly Im proud of myself. You might say it seems silly but it is one of the hardest things I think I have had to achieve as a parent. 3 days felt like forever but realistically its only 3 days of your life and its so worth it. I recommend this method but I also suggest tailoring it to what you child responds well to as I knew my son was lazy and couldn't be bothered going that if it appeared I was forcing him he wouldn't have done it. Another thing I will admit, which may sound weird, I felt like we became closer and appreciated our time together. Its a memory I will take with me forever...ok I said that more for dramatic effect to end my story however realistically I truly appreciate my time with my son even if its 3 days watching his ass.

To those mums training their children to use the toilet...no need to stress it only takes 3 days...xo

Diary of a single mum...Christmas Shopping...xo

I must admit I have been super organised this Christmas with buying presents (yep 8 sleeps to go and it done!) and having them all wrapped (again yep 8 days to go and its done!) Ok so I'm tooting my own horn. But every other year I have left things until the last minute. Especially the wrapping. I have to have wrapping perfect and in theme.

Anyway this isn't the point to my post, although I felt like I needed to brag ;)

Now my son is 2 I have noticed a massive difference since last Christmas. Last year I went to the shops and put him in the pram and loaded it up with bags and all sorts of goodies. Managing to do it all without a hassle. That experience is long gone (insert sad face). Now I have to have that struggle to bend his body with sheer force to get him to sit in the pram. I have to put on a massive song and dance to get him to forget that I have strapped him into a control seat where he cant roam free. Along with this I have to swiftly move to ensure he doesn't fidget and get his arms out of the pram straps (which no matter how tight I make them he manages to get out of them! How?) So I have this painful system now. I can't let him walk with me as that is just an accident waiting to happen. So I get him in the pram and go go go!



I start browsing the shops. My son seems fine, calm, distracted by the colours and lights, along with people watching (a child after my own heart) then we get to the toy section in Target. This is where World War 3 is about to erupt. There is nothing I can do. He wants to touch everything. If he can reach it, he will get it. If he gets it you are buying it. You think prying a small toy matchbox car would be simple to get back...nope. There is $10 well spent. I then think 'well he is distracted', maybe this $10 has bought me another 30mins, maybe an hour.

Two minutes later that optimism has been squashed, destroyed by my son screaming for the Peppa Pig book he sees to his right. He wants it, his arm is out reaching for it, and his vocal chords are warming up...he wont back down. Nor will I. However I still have things to do, items to get. An experience I often enjoyed was turning into my worse nightmare in seconds. I move the pram away, put the book out of sight. But no. He is relentless he wants that book and he wont forget it. I distract him. I pull focus to the car clutched in his tight embrace. Nope he wants the book. Ok so how about a swap. Lets give him the book and take the car. Act of compromise. Sure 2 is the right age to teach him a child compromise. Parent fail...he got both. Both hands were now full and I got 15mins before he decided to started throwing things on the ground and wanting me to pick them up. I was done. Over it. I wish I could have blinked and we would be back home.

How has this nightmare happened? Will it ever get easier? Will he learn to listen to me? Can I teach him compromise? All questions I need answers to, I need conclusive evidence it will be ok, I emphasise 'conclusive'. I hope these are just a part of this "terrible twos" stage.

This now brings me to online shopping, my new shopping experience. I can do it when my son is asleep. I don't have to carry bags. I don't have to even open my wallet. Its all there with a click of a button (ok there are many dangers to this too but they aren't to do with my son!) My day of shopping is now online sitting on the couch surfing the iPad, and its worth it, I can even have a cup of coffee whilst I shop still. If my only other option is my Target experience then online shopping it shall be for the time being....xo

Diary of a Single Mum...Boys first night away...xo

This one is quite a personal post to me and something I felt I needed to write down to help deal with what I was, and am, feeling, and in hope that it might resonate with other single mums the day you have to say goodbye to your child as they go to dads for the night, or day or week.

Only a few weeks ago my son began to have his first overnight stay at his dad which is now a regular once a week thing. I was feeling so anxious about it, and nervous (they are practically the same thing however I believe I felt both) I know his Dad loves him and cares for him...but the responsibility aspect makes me nervous. So when my son comes home at night I know he is safe, and anything that may happen in the night I will be there. Maybe its a control thing. However its just make me feel at peace knowing my little man is asleep in the next room.

So a few weeks ago (when I began to write this post) I got food poisoning. It was not fun. I was exhausted and had no energy left. The first day I was to drop my son off with his father ,to not see him until 5 o'clock the next day, I was beyond tired and really hadn't hard time to process (which meanwhile the 3 weeks prior I have done nothing but feel sick about the whole thing) I then went to work and struggled to function, or even type a simple email. I actually left early that day and came home and slept. My little man being away from me was no longer at the forefront of my mind.

I went out that evening for a few hours (even thought I felt unwell), after having a 2 hour nap I decided I needed to be busy and not be in the house. I don't know why, I just felt like I wasn't going to cope (ridiculous hey?!) I went out and realised I was being an idiot. I wasn't well and I should probably make the most of not having my son there to care for to actually recover.

I came home that night and it felt weird. The cot was empty, I really missed him. I felt lost. When he has stayed with my mum on the odd occasion I know he is only a phone call away, however now I couldn't get to him. He felt like he is another world that Im not a part of, or allowed into. I felt sad. However on the other side I got to sleep in an extra 30mins the next morning and just had to get dressed, put on some make up and away to work I go. No drop off points, not waiting for him to be collected by his father. Just straight to work. Something I hadn't done for 2 years!

I was finally able to enjoy that freedom I have barely experienced in the past 2 years. How crazy is that? I haven't had the freedom to just go out and do what I want to do in 2 years. I forgot what is was like to come home from work and just sit on the couch, or go to the gym and being able to complete a full circuit class, or just going to a friend 'hey lets catch a movie' This was just as much a weird experience for me as my son being away overnight once a week.

Its only been 3 weeks since this routine started and its safe to say I'm adjusting well. All my friends and family have been telling me that I need this freedom, I need time to myself. I just didn't understand. I felt I could do it all. I would work with what I have, and what I need to take responsibility for, and I was ok to give up these 'freedoms'. But since that first uncomfortable week of adjustment. I actually enjoy having a night off. I know that he comes back the next day and I know I have one night a week I can be an adult. Clearly I can be an  adult more nights then that but there is so much more planning involved...a topic again for another day.

I know I probably sound silly, having anxiety with my son leaving to be away 1 night a week. I feel ridiculous even writing this. But its how I felt and if I am deemed a 'crazy obsessed mum' well so be it...

Signing off 'crazy obsessed mum' and damn proud of it...xo

Diary of a Single Mum...Birthday Party or lack of one...xo

So my little one is turning 2 this Sunday! What the hell?! Wasn't he just born? He is becoming more and more of a little person and less and less of a baby (insert sad face!)

For his first birthday I had a cute little animal theme party. I made the number 1 birthday cake (image below), and yes it was from the infamous Woman's Weekly cookbook 1988 edition, I ordered animals masks, blow up jungle animals, matching napkins and plates. It was simple, yet there was a "theme". These days I feel like every birthday needs a theme.

However come his 2nd birthday I am so disorganised, I am all over the place, I don't think I have flipped over the month of August in my calendar. At this point in time the thought of baking a packet cake makes my anxiety levels sky rocket!



Why have the kids birthday parties become such a big deal. They don't remember. I don't remember my second birthday party. I have seen photos of me eating cat sitting their watching other kids run around me. Im sitting on a bench, as are other kids (who I don't even know now!) and there is simply coloured balloons and streamers and party food. I have no doubt I loved it, but did I know it was for my birthday...no, did I know what the cake looked like...no, did I know what time of day it was no...all I had was the photo album (below image is not my photo by the way)

But then last weekend for my friends little one we travelled back to the wild wild west. When Flynn the Brave had all his friends come out to play...he opened up his teepee which was right next to the saloon with the jail in eye sight! I mean it was amazing. The cake had been shot with Arrows with a Teepee protected by a glass jar (but I'll call it the earths native force field). The birthday boy had the most gorgeous headdress and shoes to match, and his parents look amazing. They were you modern day Native American family. They did a great job! I loved it and just thought "I wish I could do this". But I will...next year in our new home...and we will welcome out Native American Family friends, along with all those who love us, to come celebrate in the theme my son and I decide (who are we kidding he will be 3 (WTF?!) and still wont remember it but I will!).

For now it will be a BBQ with close family and friends...a small gathering to ensure my boy doesn't miss out. I will ensure he gets to eat cake and run around with all the kids that will be in the background of all his photos (Hopefully these friends will be life long, as opposed to stills in a photo album, for my son to remember...in fact I know they will)

Anyway better plan the food and all other requirements...and no doubt I'll wake up at 5am thinking about this cake but all for a good cause....xo

Diary of a Single Mum...Dating...xo

Ok so I am finally ready to start this whole new concept to me called "dating". It s a foreign concept to me as I have never really "dated". I met my ex young, when we broke up I pined over him, and wasn't over him to invest in dating anyone...a few hook ups here and there..but no dates. Then we got back together, bought a house, got married, fell pregnant and lived happily...oh wait...no that last part never happened. This brings me back to dating...

First of all talking over text is easy, you can be anyone, say anything you want, be someone you aren't...you can be mysterious, funny, cute...although there is that massive risk that they read it the wrong way...so maybe text isn't easy?! But you can't get your heart broken if you haven't got past the texting can you?! But you can still feel rejection??

REJECTION ...how does anyone cope from rejection, I have had guys not text me back, text me to tell me that they didn't feel that connection on the date or just simply ignore me in all respects which makes me feel even more ugly and atrocious with nothing to offer...how do I get back out there without a reply to a simple text?? I'm screwed!

I have been on the odd date up until now...one was great we laughed, we chatted and time flew but he and I both knew that we had nothing in common (still a text to say he didn't feel anything kind of connection still hurt...even though I agreed! ouch!) I had one where he was so cute and successful with absolutely no personality...he said he would contact me and I didn't want him too, he didn't, again felt rejected. I tried Tinder just to see if I was "attractive" to the opposite sex or not...I got a lot of interest there...for sex of course, so I don't think attraction came into it. I think having a vagina did! So that was again not successful.

I tried the internet dating thing...I had heard about this one that was free and how "everyone" was meeting their boyfriends through this site. Well what the heck?! Lets give it a go.

Wowee...I got all these random (and I highlight the word "random") people contact me and tell me they want to "meet me"; that was a button you could press...I had all these people wanting to "Meet me" but not one spoke to me. I had a few email me and one was really sweet, nice, had a great body so we chatted/emailed through this site, and he got my number. He was forward and no bullshit and called me. A boy calling me how scary...haha. Anyway he rang me and we asked how our weekends were and then he proceeded to tell me about his 'specialist appointment' and was reluctant to tell me what is was for, at least I thought it was reluctance, more hesitation, which lasted all of 2 seconds in which he proceeded to tell me about how he had this lump and it might be cancer but it should be ok...and the rest of the conversation trying to (well it felt like) talking him off a ledge. Wow. So I couldn't wait to get off the phone. He text me to see if I wanted to catch up and I played the whole "I'm not ready for dating at the moment, I have too much on in my life at the moment and my son comes first" Shameful I know using my son...but I have some right don't I being a single mum?!! He replied saying 'How sweet I was' and 'loved my honesty' and 'whenever Im ready he is there'. Nice but no.

6 months later he text me and I felt that I needed to be open to dating... I had friends telling me to get out there and I wasn't "out there" Tell me what does it mean to be "out there"? How do I get "out there"?

He text me one night (at a reasonable hour) "Hi Gorgeous" Oh what...someone thinks I'm gorgeous. Well he had great muscles, was sweet, and direct, so maybe I should give this guy a go. We started chatting on the phone 1 time a week and it was not the easiest of conversations...he would talk but it was always depressing, or just strange. I felt like I needed to be open minded. I was being told to be more "open minded"

He told me about his cancer scare (again) and I tried to act concerned and surprised but realistically he had a small lump cut out...(disclaimer: don't get me wrong its still serious but when you have lost someone to cancer and someone tries to drum up sympathy by telling you they were close to death if the hadn't got that lump gone then and there, is doesn't site well with me). We had absolutely nothing in common...all that he had going for him was that he was nice to me. He told me he was really into fitness but his most expensive pair of runners were $15 from Rivers...RIVERS. Don't ever tell me you bought something from Rivers. I hear screams of fear coming from my closest when those ads come onto the TV. Again I was remaining open minded. He then continued to tell me he had really big feet and couldn't find runners that fit. I really didn't feel a connection, but I felt like I had to go on at least 1 date, so I did.

We met for a coffee...now this was an internet date so I had only seen photos. He rocked up in jeans with runners (the $15 runners!!!!) and was wearing an old leather bomber jacket (I didn't know they still existed) and I'll be honest...he looked a bit like a serial killer. He was so awkward. I had to lead the way to the cafe. I had to ask for a table, and I had to drive the ordering. I got a coffee pretty quick as I wanted the date over, I even manage to notice how cute the waiter was. On the date he managed to mention his $15 runners (again) and even mentioned Rivers (again my closest was screaming). I felt horrible, I felt sorry for him. I didn't know what to do. I wanted so badly to look at my watch, but he wouldn't take his eyes of me. We started talking about football and mentioned that one of the AFL players was gay and he said he didn't "get Gay people" and he wasn't comfortable with it (What???!) He told me that he didn't like it and then told me he thought his brother was gay. He told me how he was going through his brothers drawers one day and saw things (I didn't ask what these 'things' were) and I just kept thinking "You have to be kidding me?" and thought "What a perfect opportunity to stand up and storm out" but I just felt so sorry for this man, in his Jerry Seinfeld Jeans and Runners and old man bomber jacket, so I stayed. When I asked him the question "If your brother was gay would you still talk to him" and his response was "I don't know" WHAT?!!! How do I get away from this? How long has it been? Can I leave? Can't look at my watch he is staring right at me. Help!

He told me gay people cant play football. They apparently throw the football funny (he actually demonstrated...I nearly died...of laughter!) I couldn't take it anymore. A little more small talk went on. I finally looked at my watch (only an hour had past) and he said"Do you have to go?" and (again shamelessly used my son as an excuse) I said "Yeah".  I got up rushed to the counter, he paid (I felt so bad...it was only a $3.00 coffee but still). As we walked out he started telling me about the time a wall fell on his leg...(seriously) and all I was thinking is "DO NOT WALK ME BACK TO MY CAR!!" Finally I could tell he was planning on walking me to my car (when I had established we had parked in completely opposite locations) so I stopped and said "lovely to finally meet you" and walked as fast as I could in the rain to my car and drove off home as quickly as humanly possible, without getting breaking any road rules of course!

So if that is what I have to look forward to maybe I should stay single and become a crazy cat lady (even though I don't like cats)....xo

Diary of a Single Mum ... "The beginning of the Terrible Twos"...xo

"The Beginning of the Terrible Twos"

Everyone has heard of "The terrible twos" a quote I use to believe was simply used as a throw away line from parents as some sort of excuse for their child misbehaving, and their lack of wanting to discipline them, or more being able to discipline them. I often thought these parents didn't have control of the situation and just wanted to believe in this 'so called' excuse called the "terrible twos"...well I can safely say its not a throw away line...its a hellish, exhausting, draining nightmarish (for the parent of course) phase of life that the parent goes through when their child is 2.

Definition of Terrible Twos: "When a child, male or female, is close to, or at, the age of 2 starts to realise that their parents want to stop them from having fun. They have begun using this word 'no' that doesn't sound like fun, and knows that if they kick and scream for long enough (especially in public situations) they will get what they want to save us from that sheer embarrassment"

Last week my friend was in town from Sydney and a mutual girlfriend of ours organising a coffee catch up which I was really looking forward to, yet exhausted from the lack of sleep, and energy, I had lost from a full on week at work (I work full time by the way!) and a full on week being a mum. I decided to walk to the cafe as it was only a 5 minute walk away. My son decided he did not want to go in the pram, he would not have it, we weren't leaving the house otherwise. I was running late and thought "why not", "he can walk" so I grabbed his hand and thought to myself "how nice is this my son needs me... he is holding my hand" when he was probably thinking one step closer to freedom. I have got rid of the pram, soon I will rid this woman's hand and I'm free!

We finally got to coffee, once we had walked across every different land surface possible, cutting pedestrians off because there is a pothole over there that we must walk on. I was so happy to see my friends, yet already ready for nap from getting out of the house to the local cafe. Usually my son is quite shy, he will spend a good 15mins hiding behind my leg until he gains his confidence. Time I had to get settled and know he wouldn't leave my side. That time my friends is gone. As soon as he walked in he was off and sussing out the legs of the stools by the coffee bar, sussing out the doorstop and managing to break it, weaving in and out of table and chairs, getting into the kitchen! I turned my head for 5 secs to ask my friend how she was and he was gone, the doors were shut so I knew he was somewhere, but where?! It was so nice to get up from my chair and having people looking at me pointing all in the same direction to tell me the location of my sons whereabouts. Yep I felt like a failure. I felt the judgement, or pity from them that I was doing a had job. I wanted to hang my head in shame, but  smiled courteously and held my head high...albeit heavy by this point. Shame is heavy...

I bought him breakfast, a baby chino to buy time for him to sit, which he did, but I had to manage that as well. I had to cut up his cheese on toast, and ensure he didn't spill his baby chino everywhere. So again I had still not managed to really ask my friend how she had been and what she had been up to (sadly to say if you asked me what we spoke about I couldnt' tell you....how bad is that?!)

He finished his food, he was done, my coffee was cold and he was off again.

The stairs, again another different type of land to walk on, another challenge to be able to do something by himself. I was lucky waiter took to him thought ht was cute and loved that my son followed him at times. So much so he felt he could pick him up and give him a hug. I have SO many problems with that its not funny, but it gave me 2 minutes to try and drink my coffee.

45mins and I had to leave. I couldn't sit and relax, I couldn't partake in conversation I failed. I don't know how to go out to have a coffee anymore. Another one of those thing I use to take for granted that I wont anymore. I left feeling defeated, sad and alone. This is becoming the story of my life. Maybe my next coffee catch up will be in 2017 with whoever will still be my friend, or even remember my name a hibernation seems my only option.

Maybe I need to consider a lead?!!...xo